Is It Stress or Trauma? The Layers To Healing

By Chiara Hardie.

Productivity. Burnout. Stress. Work/life balance. Time management. Passing interviews. Career progression.

During my old days of traditional coaching, every single client coming to me  was asked for help to “get better at” or “achieve” one of the above👆🏻.

Good coaches understand these as symptoms of deeper problems. We do our best work when we find ways to be surgeons, even when what people think they need is just a band-aid.

For example: every time I would dig deeper with them, they would realize that this seemingly "work-related" issue was coming from somewhere deeper: inability to be heard, constant arguments with others, unhappy relationships at home.

Or even affairs.

Peer pressure to show off an expensive car.

Or parental pressure - "you’re not a CEO yet? You’re not engaged yet? You haven’t had kids yet?"—and so the “problem to fix" seemed to be at home, not so much at work.

Not a single person came with "I want to make more money" as a goal, funny enough. "I just want to be happy," they'd say.

So I’d work further with them, and they’d realize the problem was an even deeper layer, inside themselves.

An underlying, incredible, inner pain that they had disconnected from, caused by lack of self-compassion, fears carried through generations, trauma, conditioning, and shame.

All hidden behind the need for validation, approval, and recognition, creating conflicts, lack of personal satisfaction, and unhappiness.

We are so good, as a species, at disconnecting from our feelings when they are too painful to bear. I know that part too well. I was my own first client when I started my healing journey, and I had no idea where I was going.

And that's what brought me to study and deepen my experience with trauma informed methods and somatic practices. When I work with clients, I focus on helping people recognise their feelings, their real needs, listen to them, and learn to embrace them. I help them reconnect to their essence first, and then to each other, so they can live an honest, thriving, exciting love relationship with their partner, driven from the heart rather than societal expectations - like "what I need to do for myself" vs. "what others think I should do."

This way, they find that "happiness" that they were so much yearning for because that pain, that suffering, is finally gone (ask me or any of my clients!).

This is at the basis of all I do. If you're curious, or want to learn more about the methods I use, I invite you to book a free call with me. Beyond the fact that we might be working together or not, I love shedding ligths on these topics and helping people increase their awareness.

Let me share a few more interesting concepts here below.

1. Healing Trauma Through Somatic Work

Understanding trauma is crucial to make your romantic relationship work.

Not all trauma is "Big T" Trauma (rape, abuse, abandonment, death, etc). There's also the so called "Small T" trauma which, unlike what most would think, is not "less" of a trauma, but it manifests itself in much more subtler ways that we often miss to notice, we end up normalising it, and then we wonder why we keep repeating the same patterns in our romantic relationships:

- we keep falling for the next unavailable man

- our wife doesn't stops nagging, but all we what is "just a bit more sex".

Trauma can manifest in numerous ways, including unresolved conflicts, emotional disconnection, and physical symptoms.

So why is understanding trauma so important?

Because it gets literally "stored" in our body, in our tissues, and a million years of talk therapy or traditional coaching will not take you very far, unless you learn to "free" those tissues, and release the trauma. Believe me, I've been there.

Through somatic work, which involves learning to recognize, accept and work with physical sensations - those "feelings" that we've learned so well to suppress and push away, can finally be accessed, and therefore people start to show up differently in their romantic relationships - in any type of relationship really!

2. Building Yourself Back Up From Breakup and Divorce

Breaking up is never fun - neither if you're the one being left, nor if you're the one leaving - I've personally experienced both, sadly.

A breakup or divorce often leaves individuals with a shattered sense of self and a fear of future relationships. Will I be able to trust someone again? Will anyone else ever love me?

As a relationship and intimacy expert, I'be been guiding people through learning to feel whatever they need to feel - even when it's difficult or scary - process their emotions, and rebuild their self-esteem, so that pain becomes a long distant memory, and you learn to trust yourself - and others, again.

3. The Role of a Relationship and Intimacy Coach

A really good relationship and intimacy coach helps individuals and couples identify and address the root causes of their relationship issues - which is often much deeper than "we just don't have the right amount of sex".

Relationship counselling offers a moderator that helps each part of the couple voicing their concerns: this is a great start, but it's not enough in my opinion: it did not get me and many others anywhere when going through a divorce. It simply does not address the root cause of the problem that each party carries.

The biggest secret to having a beautiful, fulfilling romantic relationship is simple: you both gotta learn to make yourself vulnerable, trust and communicate effectively shamelessly. Only by showing up as your whole person, with your unhidden desires and needs and fears, will enable you to exude, project and attract the exact energy that you want in a partner. I know it sounds very woowoo, but if we ever get to work together, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Plus: showing up with your uncensored real energy - what I call Sexual Energy or Life Force - is also what makes you the sexiest in front of a (potential) partner!

Yeah, Chiara, thanks! But HOW do I make myself vulnerable and learn to communicate shamelessly?? I've never felt safe with anyone. Let's have a chat then!

4. Finding Your Own Kind Of Happiness: Fuck Expectations!

I know that many reading this 👆🏻 might not agree. But I'm ok with that.

Societal and cultural pressure often dictate what a successful relationship should look like: study a lot, work hard, get a big title, get married, have kids, don't complain. Right?

However, true happiness comes from understanding and accepting yourself and your essence first, so you can meet your own needs first, and then the ones of your partner, in a healthy way. Or else you will keep conforming to external expectations, do what your parents or friends expect you to do, and then be miserably unhappy and totally resigned to a dull rest of your life...

Is that what you want? Is that what your parents desire for you? To be miserable? I don't think so.

So if you recognise yourself in anything you just read, have questions, or simply want a pair of ears that listen to you with compassion, love, and absolutely no judgment, then do reach out to myself or Will.

With love,

Chiara

Are you ready to have the relationship you've always wanted but never dared living?

(HINT: it starts with the one with yourself)